I don’t remember which day which night. Bubu, the person I love the most, let me upset again and took a leave to satisfy me, the most selfish person in the world. I, upset him again. And that means, I hurt him again. You don’t know and won’t know, each time I saw the hurt in your eyes, and the face that you are trying to pretend you are fine, deep in my heart, I feel pain. So much pain that I would try to cheer you up. But, I don’t know how. Because you have closed your heart and won’t let me in. You won’t tell me how you feel. And I don’t know what can I do. I only know how to cry.
That afternoon, we went to the steamboat. Honestly, my throat was burning hot and I felt so so uncomfortable. I mentioned so many times, I didn’t want a steamboat. But you know? I feel so sad that even you didn’t care. You don’t realize I drank up a lot water that day right? Haha, I felt very uncomfortable. But you and even my best friends, don’t seem to care. I felt, left out.
Then it was the night, for the first time, I hate John, a lot a lot. And I felt glad that Shi Jie was not there, because he could easily detect how I feel and ask me what happen. I didn’t want anyone to know what happen to me. Because I was weak and anytime my tears would drop. I didn’t wanna spoil you guys’ day. So I talked to myself in my another twitter. Telling myself, Bebe, don’t cry. I tried my best to feel nothing. Well, I did it. By diverting my attention to other thing. By forgetting that you will leave before I finish my first big exam in my passion. And send you off. And help you share your proud. That my Bubu, is one step closer to his big dream. I hate John, cause he kept on talking about these, as if ignoring how much hurt I felt, and keep pressing my throbbing pain.
From the past experiences, if I ever upset about these, then you will keep more secrets in your heart, or lie to me, so that I won’t feel down. And won’t let you down. And you don’t need to ‘tam’ me. Save up every troubles.
But Bubu, I need your assurances to calm my insecure heart. I am a very insecure little girl. I feel freak out by finding out your big things in life through other people’s mouth. I am losing my thrust on you. I don’t know how to tell which of your words are true and which are not. And I can’t bear the feeling of knowing you hide things from telling me.
You won’t know why. Because you never try to understand me. Or maybe she is right. There are too much things I don’t tell you and expect you to know by yourself. You deleted Deborah’s messages. You think I won’t get angry if I can’t read them. But you know? I feel scared that what are the things that are special that you didn’t want to share with me. Or what are the things that between you and her that you think I will get mad if I read it. And then I will be unsecured. I thought you hate her. But in contrast, why are you sending her messages as a friend. How much between you and her that I don’t know? You only think about I forced you to lose her as a friend. Am I right? Hahaha….
Then? You hid your USA university offer from me. I found out through John. At that moment, without any preparation, it was like a blow to me. Bang! And then I am speechless and sad. But you were happily giving me the excuse of, I am finding the suitable time to tell you. Then what if, you choose to tell me on the very last minute? So I deserve being left out even though I should be your closest person?
And then? It was after you hang out with the ‘Sweetness’ group, I angry you because I thought that at that moment of time you must be with your parents and will be back soon. And I can have a call from you. You remember what you did right after this incident? You lied to me about your whereabouts.
Bubu, you are the one constantly lying to me. You are the one building up my insecurities. But you feel you are threatened or irritated or invaded or whatever you wanna call when you know I read your Facebook messages.
When I was upset by you because in the FaceTime you only have your time for your game. Or you will be chatting with someone else. And when I want you to talk to me, your focus are not on me anymore. Well, I didn’t want you to only focus on me, but can you respect me? When some times, please give me the attention I needed. You already give up in cheering me up. So I tell myself to change. Don’t count on you too much. You are tired from work. You need to relax.
And when I couldn’t sleep, I read your conversation between my best friend. Look at how much stuffs you can tell her. While in the conversation between us, your reply was always short and simple. Then I felt upset. And you felt upset too because I read your messages. So you chose to ignore me. You know what? That night, I cried until the morning. But who knows? Only Bebe knows. And only Bebe cares.
I finally came back here, if she was not by my side, I am certain that I will be so down. When I saw the train, I really felt that the darkness and loneliness have overwhelmed me. I cried in the train. I told you. But you remember how harsh you were to tell me that ‘you have chosen it’…. I am not a man. I need love I need care. But I understand, you already give up in doing anything to make me happy.
You and her are the same, you both think that me is already hopeless. Which is why the things I care so much, you both won’t know.
I came back from the dinner, prepared to tell you so many stuffs that I wanted to tell. So many so many. But your mum came in. I understand. I was not upset. But you told me that she is gonna use your Facebook account to do her surprise. I asked, why? And you explained. And then I was mad. And then you were mad too. That I logged in your account while you know nothing about me. Indirectly, you are telling me that I shouldn’t doubt you.
I didn’t doubt you and her. I just felt that, why if she needs an account, the person was not me but you. Since when both of you are so close? I can swear to God, I didn’t doubt you and her. I only cannot accept that, my boyfriend is lending his Facebook account to anyone. Anyone.
But you know what? You only think that I doubt you. I am being unreasonable. I am irrational. Hahahahahahahahahahaha….
Then what about you, my best friend. You only texted me with three lines, hey if it bothers you, I am sorry. Then no more. Won’t you think you are so insincere? If the situation is Ah Lei lending her Facebook account to Bubu, how would you think?
You said it, don’t need care about her.
You said it.
It was until I saw it. And I have decided to remove you.
I thought this will make you care about me. But not just yourself, your surprise. But you know what? I was so wrong.
Bubu, you said to me, I can do such cruel thing to my long long friend. Will I ever do this to you and your mum? And your reaction about me asking your new Facebook account was what other bad stuffs I can do to you.
You wanna know how deeply you have hurt me? You can’t imagine it. Because you and her both think that I hurt both of you. You only think that I am forcing you to lose friends again while she thinks that I have dumped my friendship. But you wanna know what I wanna tell you? Your surprise is build up on my misery. And you blame me for being cruel? Until this point, I never said a single word to Ah Lei about your so called surprise. Till this point, I only feel that, everything is over…. Blame me. Hate me. Or do whatever you can. Haha…. I suddenly lost my love and my friendship in just a night.
She removed me too from her social websites. How lovely? I thought I would cry in the train again…. But suddenly I forgot how to.
Bebe please don’t cry. Even you have stood in the middle of the road, the car won’t hit you just like you wish. He scolded me instead. Even I have swallowed three panadols, it is not working.
You just gonna remember, this too, shall pass….